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Stop Calling Yourself Ugly and Unattractive…How to Get Out of Your Own Head.

Repeat after me… I’m not ugly, I’m a work in progress and each stage of my life has beauty and value.  There are a lot of women who secretly think they are ugly, unattractive or unworthy.  They don’t show up to the world saying it, but in their private space that is the conversation they are having with themselves in their heads.  If this is you, or someone you know, let’s look at some ways to get out of your own head.

Imagine you are in a very fancy neighborhood, and you are driving by and you see a very beautiful home, but it’s under construction. 

No one drives by and says what an ugly house. 

No one drives by and says that’s a nice house but look at all the improvements that are being made…yuk. 

No.  We appreciate the beauty as is and look forward to the end result.  There is beauty in the process of change.  We often see past the bricks laying in piles, the exposed sheetrock, floors uninstalled and lack of appliances. 

We literally look at the home as is and appreciate all of its beauty and its potential.

The unfinished portions of the home are not a real concern because you know there is more to come.

I mean imagine the home with no beautiful paint, no wall art, no elaborate, decorative curtains.  Basically, just a shell.  It is not finished, but there is still there is something to beautiful and you anticipate it all coming together.

Why can’t we see that in ourselves? Why can’t we see that we are beautiful works of art and an ever-evolving work in process?

Why can’t we see the beauty in the different stages of our lives? 

Being completely honest and transparent, I used to have these thoughts all the time.  The self-doubt and negative self-talk would rise up in my mind, and I had to work overtime to replace it with positive uplifting dialogue.  It happens. But now when it occurs (every now and then it still occurs because I am human), I can identify it and correct it.

10 times out of 10 there is nothing wrong with you because there is no perfect person.  Anywhere.  There is no such thing as a perfect woman. Are there areas we need to improve within our lives? Yes, of course.  However, we will never reach whatever we consider perfection. It’s just not possible.  I’ll say it again…it is not possible.  All we can do is strive to be the best possible versions of ourselves.  Nothing more and certainly nothing less😌.

Then, we have so many outside influences whether we want to admit it or not, regardless of our age, that get into our heads and sometimes mess with our minds and thought process.

There seems to be an endless list expectations, roles, and ideals women are attached to:    

  • Motherhood
  • Our bodies bouncing back from motherhood
  • Being a wife or being a wife with kids/ having a family
  • Managing a household
  • Going to school
  • Being an athlete
  • Managing a growing career
  • Balancing work and home

We are also expected to find time for self-care, be glamorous and sexy on the spot, be professional, and balance it all with a smile on our face – with no sign of stress or discomfort!

It’s a lot.  All the while the chatter continues in our minds making us doubt ourselves.   ARE WE GOOD ENOUGH?  DO WE MEASURE UP? AM I STILL BEAUTIFUL?  AM I WORTHY?  Or worse, when the doubting questions cease – the negative statements begin!

  • I am ugly. 
  • I am fat.
  • I am not smart enough.
  • I am unattractive.
  • My face is fat.
  • My belly is big.

Those private intruding thoughts. 

You know the horrific words we can say to ourselves.  We would never say these statements to a friend, YET, we have been conditioned and, in the practice to thinking it is ok to say it to ourselves.  It is never ok.  Ever.

First Things First- Considering the Source

Do you know why you are feeling less than?    When did these feelings start?  Who told you (before you started telling yourself) that you were less than or inadequate?  Who dumped their negativity and insecurities on you?  Consider the source of these negative feelings.  Unfortunately, many people absorb hostility, negativity and abusive words from the people they love or really care about, and it sticks with them.  It becomes part of them, part of you, part of me😞. 

***If you are battling emotional abuse (past or present) that has resulted in your current state and you are having a difficult time moving forward or managing your life, please consider visiting a mental health professional.  You don’t have to suffer alone because help is out there.  Don’t suppress your feelings, acknowledge and nurture them instead so you can truly heal and overcome.  I’d also like to remind you not to be ashamed or afraid about asking for help.  If you broke your arm, you would visit a doctor, right?  Well, if your mind, emotions, or heart is hurting – see the doctor for help.  It’s that simple with no shame or stigma and that’s that😉.

Changing Your Life by Changing Your Mindset

I have felt fat.  I have felt unattractive.  I have felt less than.  I have felt like a failure before because I was not where I wanted to be.  It’s OK.  I’m human.  Although I don’t feel this way now, I know that we all have bad days and negative thoughts can creep up into our minds.  There is no guarantee these feelings will go away permanently.  But actively changing my mindset is a remedy that has helped me in the past and hopefully it will help you as well.  This is a way to try to train your thoughts towards positivity and manage the bad days when they show up.

1.  Accentuate the positive and focus on those things.  Distract the focus from the areas you are least pleased with.  Is there a specific area that makes you feel the worse?  Whatever it is you can redirect the attention from that area while you work on it.  As women we do it all the time, with really great tricks and the art of illusion. 

If you have a…Consider trying…
Neck is crepe like or wrinkledWear beautiful scarves tied in elaborate designs.
Thick waistlineProper fit of clothing to balance out proportions.
(*Check out the list below for fashionistas with great
free advice)
Overall frumpinessModernize your look (again, you can get free tips or
inspiration online from fashionistas) to go from
frumpy to simple or extravagant – your choice!
Remember YOU are in control of your appearance.

*There are plenty of websites and Pinterest pages that give free fashion advice and inspiration for just about any fashion concern. Here are some of my favorite inspirational sites. If these don’t work for you don’t forget to look on Google and YouTube- trust me there is a video for just about every concern!

Dress for Your Body Shape (You don’t have to buy anything-just read the free advice and information- it is pure gold!)
Fashionista Over 40
The Trend Spotter
Mikado Styling Tips

2.  Replace negative phrases and positive affirmations and quotes.  You can train your brain to do just about anything, including being kind to yourself.  Aim to train your brain to see yourself in a positive light.  This is not easy and requires a lot of practice- but it is worth it.  The key is you must override whatever negative message that is on repeat and default mode.  Whatever negative message you have on repeat in your mind CAN BE replaced with something positive and loving. 

Have a prepared positive affirmation or statement for negative statements you often tell yourself.  For example:

If you routinely say to yourself…. Try this instead…
I am fat.As my body becomes healthier systemically and internally, I will move closer to the weight that is most healthy for me.
I am unattractive.I exude positive energy that makes me physically, mentally, and sexually attractive. I am confident. I exude sex appeal (aim for an appeal level
you are comfortable with).
I used to be beautiful.My beauty has not faded away. It is still here; it just looks a little different. My routines are consistent and in line with my goals to be beautiful regardless of stage of life I’m in. I am still beautiful.
I am getting old.I can take the aging process into my own hands. I am making daily decisions about my life and health that allows me the privilege of aging gracefully.
I am not smart. I am dumb. I am skilled in the area of (fill in the blank because everyone is skilled in something😎). I would like to know more about (fill in the blank), I would like to expand my knowledge of (fill in the blank). My actions are in line increasing my knowledge. Remember wisdom comes from experience which includes time, mistakes and recovery. Don’t be afraid to learn anything new.
Alternatives

3.  Don’t wait to wear the lipstick.  Don’t wait to wear the dress or perfume.  Don’t even wait until you feel beautiful to show up beautiful – DO IT NOW.  It’s cliché- but tomorrow is not promised.  Why wait? 

Ever put on a pair of shoes, a dress, a spritz of perfume and instantly feel glamourous or like the most beautiful woman in the world?  Sometimes our inner beauty needs a little push or boost from something external and wearing something beautiful, sensual, and lovely can be just what the doctor ordered.

Don’t wait for the feeling. Bring the feeling to you. Don’t wait for a perfect time or moment. Create and make that moment now.

This also means you must decide what YOU consider beautiful for you. What images are you comfortable with? We all have different images of beauty and that is awesome. Take something you like and put your spin on it.

Food for Thought

It’s so important to remember that maintenance goes a long way. I think you are more likely to be able to see yourself clearly, when you are in the habit of taking care of yourself inside and out. We have all heard it before and we all have deviated from some part of our personal maintenance at some point in our lives. Whether it is due to family responsibilities, job schedules, or some other important part of your life there are some things that must be NON-NEGOTIABLE if we want to feel and look our best most days.

What you eat, the amount and quality of rest you have each day, the amount of movement or exercise you engage in daily all affect how you feel AND how you feel about yourself. Remember self- care is not selfish, not a fad or luxury, it’s a necessity. Try your best not to feel guilty about it because guilt should not be attached to the concept of taking care of yourself.

What you eat, the amount and quality of rest you have each day, the amount of movement or exercise you engage in daily all affect how you feel AND how you feel about yourself. Remember self- care is not selfish, not a fad or luxury, it’s a necessity. Try your best not to feel guilty about it because guilt should not be attached to the concept of taking care of yourself.

This is a process, and you will find that it is best to not only be flexible, but patient with yourself. You will grow and evolve. None of this happens overnight, but in order to benefit from the suggestions you must begin. So, start your personal journey and process today.

Live your live unapologetically. Be Polished. Be Alluring. Be Elegant. Be You.

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Until next time.

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1 thought on “Stop Calling Yourself Ugly and Unattractive…How to Get Out of Your Own Head.”

  1. Very timely buddy. It’s funny because I have heard and said to others..do not say anything to yourself that you would not allow others to say to you. But, that is assuming that we hold people accountable for what they say to us. A lot of times, I have found myself having negative thoughts, and as you mentioned, though the words may not be uttered..they are thoughts. Thoughts manifest in different ways, and they do not always show up verbally. Great post friend.

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